I had a lot of time to think this morning as I waited to fly home from a great weekend with great friends in LA. As always I’m trying to figure out who I am or who I want to be. What makes sense to me? What do i believe? all that shit…
But this morning I pushed those thought away and tried to figure out what is important. What’s important in life, to everyone…
Disclaimer: Now, if you read this please be forewarned, I’m by no means a philosopher or even one who studied or studies anything like this. I work construction for crying out loud. I paid my way through college swinging a hammer not reading books.. so from my complete and total lack of education in this aspect of life and how people live it I’ll still offer my two cents, why? Cause it’s my fucking blog and I can do whatever I want.
I’m speaking only through personal experience, which isn’t saying much…
I have a tattoo on my back that says תקווה, it is pronounced tek-vah. It’s Hebrew and it means hope.
Why: I first got it because I didn’t have much desire, faith, joy or love. But I had a little bit of hope and that’s what pulled me though, I thought as long as I have hope all isn’t lost.
Why Hebrew? At the time I wanted to find my hope in Christ. The two original languages of the Bible are Greek and Hebrew. The tattoo looked cooler in Hebrew so I chose that and I didn’t really want Greek on me (too many associations)…
People ask me now, “what’s that tattoo say.” So I tell them, it’s Hebrew, it says tikva and it means hope. Then they undoubtedly ask why I got it in Hebrew? I usually chicken out and say it looked cool. This morning I though:
Why am I ashamed or even embarrassed to say why I have a Hebrew tattoo? And where do I find hope. Some of my hope does come from God. And by God I don’t mean what you probably think. I don’t mean: religion, the desire of a perfect world, peace, someone who ‘takes all the pain away’, someone who is love, or any of that stereotypical shit (I’m not starting). The more I learn about our world the more I believe there has to be someone who created it… how this person did it I don’t know what I believe yet.
But I find hope in what I’m going to call God (just don’t jump to the stereotypes). A person, a God, who created the world we live in… (now this thought can easily lead back into the ‘who the fuck am I’ train of thought but I fought the urge to go there). This gives me a purpose, someone created me, if they took the time to create me they must love me and must have a purpose for me. (Or it was just fun or something but at this point I refuse to believe that, I’d have to read a book or have a conversation with someone who believes that in order to comprehend). Where else does my hope come from? Many things, for example, I hope that one day I’ll get my life in order and be able to do what I want or what I enjoy. Now when I say hope I mean it in the ‘biblical’ definition not the american english definition. I’m defining hope as: something that I’m sure and confident is going to happen. Almost the opposite from the american definition which is more like a wish. For myself to have true hope I have to know it’s going to happen otherwise if I just want it to happen or wish it’d happen and there’s doubt, how can that give me any hope? It’s just more questions. Anyway. regardless of who you get your hope from or what you get hope from, hope is important.
Now, there are those days when I don’t have hope, I’m not sure of anything, I don’t have faith in anyone or anything. What gets me through those days? I believe it’s love. And by love I think I mean human relationships (disclaimer: this may change, at this point I’m typing). It can be family, friends or a special someone. But love for others and their love for me pulls me though. That someone you can share everything with. I’ve, at points in my life, had that and it was great. (I guess technically you could call that hope… that someone is there… but let’s not get technical).
So when I don’t have love but I have hope I’m OK. And when I don’t have hope but I have love I’m OK too. It’s those special days, weeks or months were I have hope and love that I feel like I’m on top of the world… And there are those days where I don’t have hope or love but am full of questions… those are the tough days but those are also the days that I learn who and what is important in my life and then if I’m smart strive to love or to find hope.
I think it’s the same for everyone, no matter what you believe, who or how you love, where you live, what your race is, what job you have, how much money you have, how old you are, whatever. The key is hope and love. Find one and life just got a little better, find both and you have a hint of joy and happiness.
Now back to trying to figure out who the fuck I am… or who I want to be… After typing this out… I need a purpose too. Maybe that question is hidden in the question of who am I, maybe I’m trying to find a purpose. And who do I want to be is more of how I want to live… actually they’re all tied up in a big cluster fuck… I may not know who I am or why I’m here yet but at least I’m trying to figure it out… I’m not sure anyone ever fully knows, that’s the challenge in life. Doing everything for yourself and not for or how other people tell you too… OK, this is getting into another topic, I can’t stare at a computer anymore…
goodbye
love
